state of the barn

My mom and I had very different ideas of how my first few days of being in Oregon would look. My mom wanted me to rest and detox from the past few months of extreme stress. I can't even go into detail on all of the challenges of the move up here... I'm afraid even venting about it would make me lose all of the progress I've made in the past few weeks. While I, still trained to always be busy, wanted to get started on the to-do list and hit the ground running. Because I can be stubborn :) we planned on unpacking the trailer my first day here and being moved in within the first couple of days. If my mom couldn't convince me to take it slow, the universe could... It rained so much the first day so I couldn't unload a single thing. Little did I know, it would be another 12 days before I would even begin to unpack. But I'm getting ahead of myself. So I decided to scope out the barn apt and start visualizing where I'd put my furniture and what projects I wanted to do. My mom had some great friends visit with 3 adorable girls shortly before I got into Oregon, and she had warned me that she had not had a chance to clean up. The place was a mess! And not because of the epic fort in the middle or Barbie dolls scattered around, but because it is a barn apartment. It was built to be a man cave, and making it pretty is going to be quite a project.



{barbie fortress}



Of course I knew this when I decided to move in, but in my mind, all of these projects would take a few days and I'd be ready to go in no time. That was foolish. So, so foolish.

Before I could start anything, I had to get my dad's permission since it is his barnage. That went something like this:

Me- "dad, can I paint the bathroom?"

Ralph- "you don't like yellow?"

Me- "it isn't that I don't like it, but I really want to paint it gray"

Ralph- "graaaay?! you can paint it, but you have to paint it back"

Fine. Something along these lines happens with every single project I decide to do, but somehow we are making progress. And I'm just hoping that when my vision becomes reality he will see that these are all improvements and not make me paint it back. Also that paint color has probably been discontinued, but we'll cross that bridge when it comes (is that the saying?)

The floor is particle board, apparently called "sub floors". It is a pretty big space for me to commit to paying for and executing a plan for all new flooring, so I decided to paint it! White, so that looks clean and fresh. Remember earlier when I said I was foolish? I have to walk through the garden to get to the apt so the "clean and fresh" look lasted about as long as it took for the paint to dry... But I still like it! Or at least am not willing to admit defeat just yet. I can get rugs.



{before}



After several trips to Jerry's (the Home Depot of Oregon), the floor was caulked and painted, but the paint takes 1 week to dry enough for "heavy traffic"... Like perhaps moving a bunch of furniture in! So another delay to unpacking. Which is why I was still living out of a suitcase up until last week.

But then seeing the new floor made me want to paint the cupboards, too. With that little project, I learned the valuable lesson that "paint and primer in one" is such bologna. You still need to prime. And now I would love to get actual windowsills and baseboards. And I want to make flowey curtains, and slip covers for the hand-me-down sofa, make a barn-ish chandelier, hang shelves, and 100 other cosmetic projects that are too many to discuss. So this is where I am... A big mess. But it's kind of a fun mess. And I can take it slow, one project at a time, right?



{painting cupboards}



{after painting/before unpacking}





{the view while working on projects}



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big news

I have a big update! Besides reviving the blog, I quit my job in LA and moved up to the "farm" in Oregon!

I loved my life in So Cal- my friends, the beach, my job. It was almost perfect, but for a while I had this nagging sensation that it was time to move on. I ignored it for quite some time since I was already established and comfortable in my routine, but unfortunately my routine had become a rut. And even though I had such wonderful surroundings, I felt stuck and became more and more unhappy. As this nagging sensation became stronger, I started dreaming about baking, and design, and event planning. My deepest passions are in the domestic and creative arts that are making a huge comeback in the blogging and pinning world, but I didn't have enough time and space to explore and develop this passion. I took a few baking classes and gathered hundreds of recipes I wanted to try, but couldn't really play in my tiny apartment kitchen. And after a long day at my job, didn't have the energy to start any projects. So then I started to resent everything in my life that I perceived to be holding me back from my dreams. I wrestled between feeling totally stuck and trying to feel grateful for everything and everyone I had in my life that I truly love. But I still couldn't help but believe there is some way to make a career and lifestyle out of my passions. I want a life with purpose, and I just couldn't do it in LA.

While all this was going on and I kept burying these dreams and passions, my parents really decided to go forward with plans to turn the house into a Bed and Breakfast and wedding venue. They would give me updates and I would help as much as I could from afar. I worked on the website with a friend and talked budgets and inspiration. I became obsessed with reading magazines and blogs for events and inspiration and started forwarding any articles and pictures to my parents, hoping that they would fall in love with these ideas as much as I had. For a while, this was a good outlet to play and inspire, but then it broke my heart when I couldn't move forward with any of these ideas. The most I could do was forward an article or picture that I had fallen in love with to my mom, and just hope that she would make it come true.

I could no longer ignore this stirring in my soul. So it came time to take a leap of faith.

So in March, after 4 1/2 years at my job, and 8 years in LA, I gave my notice and started the countdown. I was in a best friend's wedding at the end of May and my lease would be up shortly after, so that became a perfect deadline for myself. I didn't know exactly what the plan would be (and I'm certainly glad I didn't know how many obstacles I would face and how truly difficult the process would be or I would have chickened out), but I decided to take the first step. I put my pride aside and asked my parents if I, now 27 and without an income, could come and move home. Luckily, they were delighted. Turns out, turning a house into a venue and B&B is a lot more challenging than we thought and they really needed some extra help. And the help they needed seemed to line up with the exact passions I had been ignoring.

So here I am, sitting on the porch about 1 1/2 months after my last day at work and 3 weeks after pulling up to my new home... My parents' house.

The plan is still in rough draft format. But basically, I get to live in the apt upstairs in the barnage and help around the house and business until I figure out my next step. I am having so much fun painting furniture and unpacking in the barn (pictures to come). I've already been able to play a little bit in the kitchen and meet a bride that is getting married on the property in 2 weeks!!

But to be totally honest, it has been really difficult and I think it will be for some time. Saying goodbye to my best friends was so sad, and every time I get a text or email from one of them, I question if I've made the right decision. Keep in my mind, that my parents moved to Oregon my freshmen year in college, so this is not my home. I only know my parents and a few of their friends. It has only been a few weeks, and I already miss friendship so much. I know it will be a long time before I feel at home here, and run into a friend at the store or invite someone over for dinner or to bake cookies with me. These are the things I will miss the most. I am trying to believe that someday I'll be able to establish that here, or that a time will come for me to move on (or maybe even back to CA). I am fighting the urge to make a strict plan or timeline. I need to detox from that sort of living. And even thought there are already challenges and I know I will have more obstacles as I try to figure out what I'm doing with my life, I feel like I'm on an adventure... An adventure that I've longed for the past 2 or 3 years. One of the things I miss most about my brother is his sense of adventure. It seemed like he was always willing to go anywhere or try anything. And when I lost him, I lost the biggest advocate for adventure in my life. And so I realized that I have to be my own advocate and the only thing keeping me from pursuing my passion is my own fear. I have to make the decision on my own to go somewhere and be somebody, or I'll never grow.

So after the longest post ever, I leave you with 2 last thoughts. First, I'll use the blog to keep you posted on the progress- of the barn apartment, the house, and my new adventure. And second, this is the view from the porch where I took my nap today. Enjoy!! And come visit!!!

{view from the porch}

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